In relation to a death, don’t like the phrase ‘move on.’ I also don’t like ‘get over it.’ Both imply to me that you’re leaving something behind, and I don’t want to leave anything behind. I don’t want to forget them or the pain that losing them causes. I want to remember and honor them. […]
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Friday I had a rough evening. I was homesick after two weeks away, and my brain wouldn’t let some things go. I went to sleep through tears, and begged Ian, “If you ARE still out there, and you did care at all, let me know.” I have a number of friends who claim sensitivity, and […]
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I had lunch with a friend yesterday who knew Ian too. After we finished catching up on each others’ lives, conversation turned to Ian. It was really good to talk about him. To remember bits of him and his personality that I hold in my heart, but don’t get out and look at much anymore. […]
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Today is a harder day than I’ve had in a little while. I went to the place where we did karaoke together a lot last night, and it was fine. There were a few moments of sadness & nostalgia, but overall, it was a good night. Today, my playlist seems insistent on reminding me of […]
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Last night, I had a dream that woke me up and made me think. Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you about it. Unsolicited dream recounts are incredibly unpleasant. However, I will tell you what it made me think about. It made me realize that in a couple things, I’m being silly and stuck. […]
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Dear Ian, This may be the last letter I write to you. I still don’t know if they were good ideas to begin with, but now, I feel like they may be aiding me in avoiding letting go. I felt like I had a choice in that… I’m not sure why, because obviously none of […]
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I’m trying something for the new year. I don’t exactly know if it’s a healthy progression or an unhealthy repression, but I’m trying it nonetheless. This is a year that will never see Ian. It’s a year that he’s fully gone from, and I have decided to attempt to make him a little less present […]
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It’s 2015. A new year. The crappy year that Ian died is gone. Good riddance. Except that now it’s a year he won’t ever see. And that sucks. Such a mixed bag of emotions. My New Year’s greeting for all my loved ones this year wasn’t “Happy New Year!” Because I didn’t feel particularly happy. […]
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To reconcile is to make harmonious, to restore friendly relations, to make things match. It’s an interesting word with many applications. One that I like. I think reconciliation is a wonderful thing, one that should be a goal for everyone. Making true. Making everything coexist in peace. But, much as I like the idea, I […]
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I was watching a tv show, and one of the characters who’d lost the man she’d loved was talking to another woman whose husband had died more recently. She said, “At first, everyone’s there. But after a while, people forget. Everyone moves on. Everyone but you.” There are definitely days when I feel like that. […]
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