Woulda Coulda Shoulda

I keep going over and over in my head the things I could have done differently. Would have, had I known that my time with Ian would be so short. Not should have, though. There’s only one of those… And it was probably far less impactful than I think it was. But boy, howdy, are […]

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First Letter

Another Throw Back Thursday post. This was the first letter I wrote to Ian. Ian, It’s been 24 days. 24 days since you checked out. Escaped. Bailed. Lost the fight. How I think about it changes with my mood. I still miss you constantly. This morning on my way to work, as I was driving […]

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Three Weeks

Another throw back Thursday post. – These posts are things that I wrote at that time, so the sentiments may or may not still be applicable as time moves on. Three weeks out and his house still smells like him. I wandered around, smelling the air and crying and talking to him. I went from […]

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You Have No Right

Almost everyone I talk to says they feel like they don’t deserve to feel as bad as they do. We all feel like frauds. I feel like a fraud because even though he was the center of my world for the past four years, that’s only four years. His family has so many more that […]

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Emotional Weight

The number and complexity of emotions I’ve been experiencing in the wake of Ian’s death is staggering. I use that word because I really feel like I’m staggering under the weight of them. The sadness alone is big and heavy enough to weigh me down. The other common ones are there too. Anger: At him, […]

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Regrets

I should have noticed. I should have called. I should have… Regret is a bitch.  And here’s the deal. We all do the best we can with the information we have at the time. If I’d known then what I do now, I would have realized that him requesting the kitten for a night meant […]

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