You Have No Right

Almost everyone I talk to says they feel like they don’t deserve to feel as bad as they do. We all feel like frauds.

I feel like a fraud because even though he was the center of my world for the past four years, that’s only four years. His family has so many more that I feel like an intruder.

His family feels like they’re frauds because they weren’t as close to him in the past few years as I was, so what right do they have to feel like their worlds are impacted like that, when my daily life is without respite from reminders?

His friends of all levels feel like they weren’t close enough to him to feel the pain they feel.

His exes feel like they don’t have the right because they broke up with him, or he with them. They weren’t there anymore.

Who deserves to mourn?

I think everyone does. Humans connect very easily. We love. We form bonds. And when something this sudden breaks one of those bonds permanently, we grieve.

We have no control over those emotions. We are allowed to have them. We are allowed to express them. We are allowed to FEEL.

No one grieves the same way. No one will feel the same way I do. No one will feel the same way his sister does. There’s not a defined path for this. There’s no road map to follow. I find myself worrying that I’m going too fast. Or too slow. But that’s not possible. Because I’m going to go at the speed that’s right for me. And maybe today it’s fast, and tomorrow, I go back to the beginning. I don’t think it’s a linear deal. I bounce from emotion to emotion more quickly than I can even really feel them sometimes. Other times, I sit with one for hours. Who’s to say what’s right?

Written 2/23/2014

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