Mixed

It’s been a while, and things still aren’t slowing down a whole lot. I had my second gig with the new band last night, and it was awesome. I’ve been getting so much support from friends, and I appreciate it so much. The band is full of amazing people, and they’re so incredibly talented that […]

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No News?

They say no news is good news, and in most cases, I agree. In the context of this blog, however, I’m not liking that there’s no new revelations lately. I am sick of being a broken record. Yes, everyone knows I miss Ian… That’s uninteresting at this point. With the events of last weekend, and […]

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Forgiveness, Anger, and Guilt

After I realized that I forgave Ian, and the initial shock of realizing that doing so was even a thing, I was relieved. If I forgave him, it meant that I could let go of the anger I’d been feeling. It was liberating and very nice. I just felt love and acceptance of him. And […]

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Circles

It’s interesting to me how things kind of go in circles still. I can go a good amount of time now, between bouts of regret, but every once in a while, there I am, back in the “bargaining” area, or at least what passes for it in my head. My bargaining was never trying to […]

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It Comes In Waves

Today is a harder day than I’ve had in a little while. I went to the place where we did karaoke together a lot last night, and it was fine. There were a few moments of sadness & nostalgia, but overall, it was a good night. Today, my playlist seems insistent on reminding me of […]

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Woulda Coulda Shoulda

I keep going over and over in my head the things I could have done differently. Would have, had I known that my time with Ian would be so short. Not should have, though. There’s only one of those… And it was probably far less impactful than I think it was. But boy, howdy, are […]

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Being Ok

I was discussing personality traits with a friend this evening. We were talking specifically about how people handle mornings. In my longest relationship, my boyfriend was very much NOT a morning person. Because of this, I had the idea that I was pretty far on the other end of the spectrum. Then I went on […]

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Left Behind

I am honestly to a place where I feel like most of the days are okay. Some are even good. It feels like a betrayal to say that. Like I’m forgetting him. Or even that I’m leaving him behind. But then I wonder was it him that left us behind? Who knows? Maybe he hoped […]

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I Wish

Another Throwback Thursday post: It’s 3:30am. I turned off my iPad at around 2am, to sleep after crying for a while last night. I woke up probably 15 minutes ago, and tried to go back to sleep without opening my eyes. Then I started playing conversations I should have had with him through my head. […]

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I Am Two People

Another throw back Thursday post: Today, at work, I noticed something. I seem to have two phases of dealing with Ian’s death. Almost two different personalities. At work, I have to accept it. I have to move on. I have to just keep going and make plans and do what needs to be done to […]

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