I Wish

Another Throwback Thursday post:

It’s 3:30am. I turned off my iPad at around 2am, to sleep after crying for a while last night.

I woke up probably 15 minutes ago, and tried to go back to sleep without opening my eyes. Then I started playing conversations I should have had with him through my head. Things I thought about saying. Emails I drafted out and never sent.

And now I’m awake, wishing. Wishing I’d just done it, damn the consequences. Maybe he would have opened back up. Maybe he wouldn’t have, and would have kicked me to the curb finally and completely. Maybe he would have just kept on not telling me, pretending he wasn’t hurting.

I watched Into The Woods the other night… Mainly because I kept thinking and saying, “I wish…” It starts out:
[NARRATOR]
Once upon a time
[CINDERELLA]
I wish…
[NARRATOR]
in a far-off kingdom
[CINDERELLA]
More than anything…
[NARRATOR]
lived a fair maiden,
[CINDERELLA]
More than life…
[NARRATOR]
a sad young lad
[CINDERELLA]
More than jewels…
[JACK]
I wish…
[NARRATOR]
and a childless baker
[JACK]
More than life…
[CINDERELLA & BAKER]
I wish…
[NARRATOR]
with his wife.
[JACK]
More than anything…
[CINDERELLA, BAKER & JACK]
More than the moon…
[BAKER’S WIFE]
I wish…

I agree with all of them. But my wish isn’t to go to a festival or have a child or get milk from an old cow. My wish is to go back in time. To have said even one of the things I didn’t say. To fix him.