Last Night I Cried

Lately, I’ve had a number of things to distract me. They’re good things, and I’m happy I have them. But I can’t help feeling that I’m ignoring the sadness, rather than dealing with it. And then I counter that argument in my head with the idea that maybe I’m just not dwelling on it, and […]

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Sunday Letter #33

Dear Ian, This may be the last letter I write to you. I still don’t know if they were good ideas to begin with, but now, I feel like they may be aiding me in avoiding letting go. I felt like I had a choice in that… I’m not sure why, because obviously none of […]

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Letting Go

Today is nine months to the day since Ian died.┬áIn the last few days, I’ve started wondering whether I’m holding on to something that doesn’t exist. I know Ian’s dead, and I have no delusion/denial of that fact. But I still talk to him every day. Not in the hopes/with the idea that he hears […]

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I Am Two People

Another throw back Thursday post: Today, at work, I noticed something. I seem to have two phases of dealing with Ian’s death. Almost two different personalities. At work, I have to accept it. I have to move on. I have to just keep going and make plans and do what needs to be done to […]

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Denial?

A throw back Thursday post: One of the stages of grief is denial. I’ve always understood denial as a refusal to believe. A refusal to accept. Something akin to putting your head under a pillow and saying ‘no no no no no’. I haven’t felt like that. I’ve WANTED to be able to do that, […]

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Replacements

Written 6/18/2014 Yesterday was the 17th week since Ian’s death. Today is the four month anniversary. While some things have remained the same, much has changed since then. We have new employees at work. One of them is in his old office. Another is filling the spot he left vacant. The majority of the things […]

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Emotional Instability

Another throw back Thursday post: It’s been two weeks. I wish I could hope that it was all a nightmare and I could wake up. I can’t. Yesterday, it hit home to me how emotionally unstable I am. I’m very much not a physical violence person, but when a lady in an SUV honked at […]

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Sunday Letter #7

Another Sunday letter. Ian, I’m mad at you today. It seems like this week was harder than many, but looking back, I think that about almost every week, so maybe it’s just that it’s hard, and as they pass, I forget that. I keep going to things you would have enjoyed. Seeing things you would […]

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Sunday Letter #6

Another installment of Sunday letters to Ian. Ian, It’s been over 100 days since you died. Right now, there’s a loud thunderstorm going on. It reminds me of the night you and I hung out on my driveway in the rain. You loved summer thunderstorms, and enjoyed them. Reminded me to take the time to […]

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Sunday Letter #4

Fourth installment of a weekly letter to Ian. Again, if you have someone you’ve lost and want to write a letter to them, feel free. You can email me, post it as a comment, whatever. I’ll post it if you want… if you don’t want me to post it I’ll hold onto it. Seems to […]

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