His No More

Yesterday after work, I visited Ian’s house for the last time. I didn’t go in. Even if I’d been able to, I wouldn’t have. It doesn’t smell like him anymore. Doesn’t look like his place anymore. I did sit out front for a while, looking in the window, and remembering the myriad times I’d drive […]

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Sunday Letter #24

Ian, I’m lying awake, late Saturday night/early Sunday morning, when we would almost certainly be together. I just realized the date, and it was 8 months and a day ago RIGHT NOW that you were finishing things up. You were preparing. You were getting yourself ready to die. Man, do I wish I knew what […]

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Three Weeks

Another throw back Thursday post. – These posts are things that I wrote at that time, so the sentiments may or may not still be applicable as time moves on. Three weeks out and his house still smells like him. I wandered around, smelling the air and crying and talking to him. I went from […]

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Two Month Letter

I wrote this at the two month mark. It’s hard to believe that more time has passed since I wrote it than had between his death and the writing thereof. Ian, Two months ago right now, you were drinking your last drinks. Listening to whatever your last playlist was. Maybe watching your last movie. Tonight, […]

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Two Weeks

This is another Throw Back Thursday post. It’s Monday morning, two weeks since the last time Ian woke up. Two weeks ago was his last day alive… and I’m still pushing through. Waking up this morning wasn’t as terrible as it has been. Sleep makes you forget. And forgetting is blissful. Until you wake up […]

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Think of Me

Twelve days after his death, Ian and I were supposed to officiate a wedding together. I did it alone, and it went well. The wedding was great, and everyone enjoyed it. I’m very happy I was able to perform it. I love the couple, and believe that their marriage will be great. I wrote this […]

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Sunday Letter #1

One of the support groups I’m in (www.pos-ffos.com) offers the suggestion to write a letter every Sunday to the person who died. They say it might be a good way to get some things out, and while I know he’ll never see it, it makes sense to me. I figured in the absence of guest […]

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I Can’t Hear You!

I may have hit the denial stage in earnest. Or bargaining? Maybe both? I’ve started dreaming of him. In the dreams, he and I are in normal situations, doing normal things. We are talking, or singing, or just hanging out. It’s fun and good, and I’m home again. And I wake up, and know he’s […]

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