Degrees of Immersion

I forget sometimes that other people who were close to Ian have had differing degrees of immersion in reminders of him than I have. From the start, I was buried in reminders. Reminders at home, on my phone, in my music, at work, in my car/routes to and from places, in leisure activities, in pretty […]

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No News?

They say no news is good news, and in most cases, I agree. In the context of this blog, however, I’m not liking that there’s no new revelations lately. I am sick of being a broken record. Yes, everyone knows I miss Ian… That’s uninteresting at this point. With the events of last weekend, and […]

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Purpose

Another Throw Back Thursday post: All through my adulthood, I’ve never had a real clear dream or goal. I wanted to enjoy myself, survive, do good in general… Be happy. Since Ian’s suicide, I have been failing at half of those things. Maybe more. And tonight, I started wondering… What is my end goal? What […]

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Moody

Emotions are both predictable and confusing. I’ve been incredibly stressed the last couple weeks, due to events and work and various things. And last night, I stayed up until almost 3am working on my Halloween costume, so when my cat peed on my rug and I discovered it right before that 3am bed time, it’s […]

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Sunday Letter #12

Ian, Today, I broke out your grill. It’s the first time I’ve actually grilled on my own. I was really hesitant to do it, because I thought it would be kind of a pain in the butt. But now, having done it, it’s almost easier than cooking normally. I have a feeling I’ll be doing […]

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Calm With a Chance of Storms

Another throw-back Thursday post. Ok, so there’s this thing happening that I’ve noticed today. It’s weird for me, so I figure it must be something to do with what’s going on. Due to a counseling session yesterday, followed by a very good conversation with his sister, and a realization later in the night, I am […]

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Two Weeks

This is another Throw Back Thursday post. It’s Monday morning, two weeks since the last time Ian woke up. Two weeks ago was his last day alive… and I’m still pushing through. Waking up this morning wasn’t as terrible as it has been. Sleep makes you forget. And forgetting is blissful. Until you wake up […]

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The New Normal

It seems that people are getting used to this. His absence. It’s not easier, really, at least not for me.. but I’m used to it now. I still drop a tear or two at least once a day. But I’m starting to be able to find motivation here or there again. I cleaned. I assembled […]

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You Have No Right

Almost everyone I talk to says they feel like they don’t deserve to feel as bad as they do. We all feel like frauds. I feel like a fraud because even though he was the center of my world for the past four years, that’s only four years. His family has so many more that […]

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Tired

Things are getting… normal? Something. For the past week or so, I’ve been mostly ok. Yes, sad. Yes, still nowhere near what I was before. But It seems like I might be finding the new normal. I still think about him often. Very often. But for the most part, at this point, it’s just a […]

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