It seems that people are getting used to this. His absence. It’s not easier, really, at least not for me.. but I’m used to it now. I still drop a tear or two at least once a day. But I’m starting to be able to find motivation here or there again. I cleaned. I assembled the grill. I painted my nails. I cooked dinner tonight. I managed to go shopping today. 

Various things like that, that I haven’t really been able to make myself do are starting to be doable again.

I’m nowhere near what my old normal was. May never be near that again. But it seems that new normal that people talk about might be showing its face.

There’s not a day… a moment… that I don’t wish he was here to talk to, to tease, to call an idiot, to sing with, to hold…. Not a single moment. But the ice cream scoop that was taking parts out of my heart seems to have reduced in size to a strawberry scoop (you know the little things that people use to get the stems off strawberries or tomatoes?  I’ve never used one, but I’ve heard of them… seems silly to me.) Smaller. Still pointy and painful.. but not as big.

I seem to be losing my breath less too. There were times that it would hit me and I just wouldn’t be able to breathe. I just sat there, breathless, not even able to gasp, just gut-punched. That hasn’t happened for a while.

I’ve noticed that I’ve been unable to get excited about future things. That when I’m in a situation, I can enjoy it… that I CAN have fun (punctuated with bouts of wishing he were there/available to talk to/text), but looking forward in time, everything just doesn’t sound interesting or fun or exciting. They just are. Out of habit, not even really thinking about it, I’ll tell someone I’m totally excited about something… then I’ll think about it for a minute and think, no… no, I’m really not excited. I SHOULD be… but I’m not. It’s a thing. It will happen. And I will likely enjoy it. But I’m not excited about it.

That’s weird. All a part of learning who this new person is. She’s tired, can’t sleep a whole lot, can kind of eat again… but not too much, or she gets sick. She cares about people still, but she’s less willing to go out of her way or feel guilty for not going out of her way to touch base or contact people. She’s less willing to go all out to be useful/helpful/valuable to people. She’s quieter. Goes out less. Plans fewer events. Puts together fewer outings. Has decided that if people want her around, they’ll ask. She’s less needy of company… more ok having a night at home alone.

I think she’s less judgmental, because she just doesn’t care as much anymore. You do whatever you want. If it hurts her, or the people she loves, she’ll hate you a lot easier, but otherwise, she couldn’t care less.

Every day, I find something new about her… and it’s really hard to deal with, so I am quieter.

It’s possible that Ian wouldn’t like her at all. But I guess that doesn’t matter anymore, does it? He’ll never know her.

Written 6/9/2014

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