Two Years

Two years ago today, my life changed drastically. Many peoples’ lives changed drastically. It’s amazing how big a hole one person can leave. I haven’t been paying much attention to the date, to tell the truth. There have been a large number of things distracting me from remembering the significance. Some good, some bad. All […]

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Degrees of Immersion

I forget sometimes that other people who were close to Ian have had differing degrees of immersion in reminders of him than I have. From the start, I was buried in reminders. Reminders at home, on my phone, in my music, at work, in my car/routes to and from places, in leisure activities, in pretty […]

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Another Anniversary

Tomorrow’s the big day. The Anniversary. Today is a year since I had any sort of conversation with him. It was brief, curt. Work-related, or my guess is that he wouldn’t even have responded. I miss him so damn much. If anyone ever invents a time machine, I’m going back and fixing this shitstorm. I’ve […]

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Teasing

It was a year ago today that I last saw Ian in person. He was mad at me because I was teasing him about having a valentine, since he’d told me he couldn’t work on something with me because he had plans. I don’t know for sure what they were, or even if he did […]

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Ten Months

It’s December 18th at 1:10 am. Ten months ago right now, I was asleep. I’d gone to bed a little early because I was feeling a little under the weather. I’d cancelled plans for the evening because of that. Before I decided to go to bed, I pondered texting Ian. Asking him if he wanted […]

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Sunday Letter #32

Ian, A year ago this afternoon, you and I weren’t talking. A year ago this evening, events conspired to throw us back together, and a year ago in the wee hours of tomorrow morning, I told you, sitting in the front seat of my car, that being with you was like coming home. And you […]

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Letting Go

Today is nine months to the day since Ian died.¬†In the last few days, I’ve started wondering whether I’m holding on to something that doesn’t exist. I know Ian’s dead, and I have no delusion/denial of that fact. But I still talk to him every day. Not in the hopes/with the idea that he hears […]

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Sleepless

I’ve been sick for the last week and a half. This is highly unusual,because on the rare occasions I do get sick, I’m usually over it in a couple days. I don’t do sick well. Not that anyone really does, but because it’s so unusual, I tend to get more¬†annoyed, whiny, and cranky than I […]

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Anxiety

Something I noticed last year was that I would occasionally have days or short periods where I was unreasonably anxious. Nothing that really caught my attention until one day when I was driving down to visit my mom and found myself clutching my steering wheel really hard for no reason at all. The reason I […]

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Sunday Letter #17

Ian, A little over a week ago, we passed the six month marker. It wasn’t as momentous in my mind as I thought it would be. I guess at this point, time is time and you’re still gone, so who cares how long it’s been? But I still count. On a long drive yesterday, I […]

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