Tired

Things are getting… normal? Something. For the past week or so, I’ve been mostly ok. Yes, sad. Yes, still nowhere near what I was before. But It seems like I might be finding the new normal. I still think about him often. Very often. But for the most part, at this point, it’s just a small tinge of unhappiness that accompanies the thoughts. Once or twice a day, it’s worse, and I get teary-eyed. Once or twice a week, I cry for real.

It hasn’t even been three months, and I feel like I’m doing far better emotionally than I should be. I don’t WANT to accept that he’s really gone… to move forward with my life without him in it. But I have no choice, so here I am.

There’s a wedding coming up that we were supposed to go to together, so I think that’s going to be kind of hard. And then his birthday in June. At this point, I just feel tired. Just tired of being sad. Tired of pushing through. Tired of all of it. So there are days I don’t get out of bed. I’ve been able to keep those to the weekends, so that’s good. My house is a mess. I need to sweep and mop. I need to put stuff away. I have shelves for the cat that I need to put up. Etc. I look at all that stuff, and I think “I have time. I could do some of it,” and I stop, and think about it, and just keep walking to wherever I was going.

So I guess things aren’t normalizing so much as they’re getting less constantly terrible.

I feel like I’m whining, and I should say something about the good things. Because there are good things. But I’m tired. And right now, the idea of doing that, of trying to fight my way out of this low spot makes me even more tired. So I’m going to leave it there.

Written 5/7/14

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