Last Night I Cried

Lately, I’ve had a number of things to distract me. They’re good things, and I’m happy I have them. But I can’t help feeling that I’m ignoring the sadness, rather than dealing with it. And then I counter that argument in my head with the idea that maybe I’m just not dwelling on it, and […]

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Emotional Spoons

There is a really insightful way that I’ve heard my friends with chronic illnesses and/or disabilities describe what their limits feel like. The Spoon Theory is eloquent and wonderful. Luckily for me, I  don’t have physical illnesses, I don’t have a chronic condition that limits me physically. However, and this is not the same, but […]

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Wish=/=Act

Something came up after my last Sunday letter. The song I posted is about the death of a loved one. In it, one of the lyrics is “I wish I were dead.” That wish is something I’ve heard from many people over the years, some more seriously than others. Most people I’ve talked to about […]

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Fake Healing

There comes a point in time at which you should be improving. That point is largely dependent upon all the factors involved, which are many and varied, but eventually we all get there. If you stay in your dark place – not improving – longer than you ‘should’, people’s reactions to your pain change. It […]

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Darkness

They say a suicide can cause a chain reaction. That sometimes people will follow suit. I never could. Many things would stop me. Mostly the thought of how it would affect those people I’d leave behind. I couldn’t do that to them. I know I’ve thought about it, though. The possibility of seeing him again […]

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Learning the New Me

I’ve said this before, that a large part of who I was died with Ian. I’m still sorting out what that means and who the new me is. I’m not as fun. I’m quieter. I’m not as outgoing.  He brought out the fun side of me, the side that was up for anything, that would […]

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Unanswered Questions

Another throw back Thursday post. This one I still feel pretty strongly. Maybe always will. One of the worst things for me in this whole deal (aside from losing him. That’s by far worse than anything else) is the unanswered questions. What was he thinking? What made him get to this point NOW? Who had […]

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Conversations I’m Not Ready to Have

I have a lot of friends who are helping me out, and I love them for it. And I care about their lives and the things that are going on with them. And in that caring, I ask about what’s going on, how they’re doing, what they’re working on. It’s rare, but I have had […]

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Unexpected Guilt

This is something I wrote very early on. Throw back Thursday. Well, guilt hit today from an unexpected quadrant. I was prepared for the “I should have noticed and been there to stop it.” That one I feel like I’ve got a decent handle on.  The one that popped up today, though. Ouch. I thought […]

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Emotional Weight

The number and complexity of emotions I’ve been experiencing in the wake of Ian’s death is staggering. I use that word because I really feel like I’m staggering under the weight of them. The sadness alone is big and heavy enough to weigh me down. The other common ones are there too. Anger: At him, […]

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