I’ve said this before, that a large part of who I was died with Ian. I’m still sorting out what that means and who the new me is. I’m not as fun. I’m quieter. I’m not as outgoing.
He brought out the fun side of me, the side that was up for anything, that would laugh and joke and have fun no matter who was around, or if I knew them well or not. I’m not like that anymore. I can have fun. I can be outgoing… but more often than not, I’m quiet. Sad. Much more sad than I was before I even met him. Than I have been ever.
I’m finding it really hard to spend time with most of the people who knew me before. I feel like they expect me to be the me they knew. That they’re uncomfortable with the new, subdued, sad, quiet me. Not everyone. There are a few exceptions. But not many.
I feel like they WANT me to be happier. They WANT me to be who I was. And it makes me annoyed at them and disappointed in myself, because I just can’t be.
Maybe I’m projecting on them, and the discomfort I’m feeling is my own with figuring out how to be me now. I’ve been who I was for 34 years. And now, suddenly, I’m different. I don’t know how to react to people’s reactions to the new me. I don’t know what they mean. I don’t know anything, and it’s frustrating.
I miss who I was. I liked her. I knew her. Now, I’m surprised often by my reactions to things… By my thought processes… By my emotions.
I’m holding to the few people I’m comfortable with… Many of whom are Post-Ian. Trying to figure out if I’m actually less social now, or if I’m just retreating out of awkwardness. I can’t tell. I don’t know this new person who’s in my skin well enough to know yet.
So not only am I required to learn how to live in a world without him, I’m required to learn how to be the new me. Sometimes it’s all just so overwhelming. So I turn on music and hide in video games, or crappy tv shows…. or just hide in bed. I guess that’s ok. I really don’t think I have much choice at times. So there it is.
Written 5/30/2014
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Do what you need to do to be the happiest you that you can be. If that includes not seeing me, then so be it. But just know that I have no expectations of you or how you should be, should you wish to see me again at some point in the future.
I hope, whatever happens, that you find a peace with who you have become and who you will become in the future – we’re always changing, I think, and who you are today will probably be very different than the person you will be ten years from now.
You’ve been in my thoughts, and you will continue to be. That hasn’t changed.
I appreciate it James. Thank you.