Cleaning Up

Since Ian died, my house became kind of a shrine to him, or a repository for stuff of his… in disorganized piles, things here, there, everywhere that were his, or reminded me of him… It was a mess. Add to that the fact that I didn’t really have enough counter/shelf space in my kitchen, and […]

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His No More

Yesterday after work, I visited Ian’s house for the last time. I didn’t go in. Even if I’d been able to, I wouldn’t have. It doesn’t smell like him anymore. Doesn’t look like his place anymore. I did sit out front for a while, looking in the window, and remembering the myriad times I’d drive […]

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Unanswered Questions

Another throw back Thursday post. This one I still feel pretty strongly. Maybe always will. One of the worst things for me in this whole deal (aside from losing him. That’s by far worse than anything else) is the unanswered questions. What was he thinking? What made him get to this point NOW? Who had […]

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Learning

I was pondering the things I learned from Ian. There are many. Most recently, I learned that everyone should have an “in case I get hit by a bus” file at home that contains all the pertinent passwords, phone unlock code, and account information, as well as a will… Even just a written note saying […]

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Think of Me

Twelve days after his death, Ian and I were supposed to officiate a wedding together. I did it alone, and it went well. The wedding was great, and everyone enjoyed it. I’m very happy I was able to perform it. I love the couple, and believe that their marriage will be great. I wrote this […]

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Choices, Or Not

I’ve had several people tell me how strong I am. How brave. How amazing or incredible. I’ve tried to take the compliment and just move on, but to tell you the truth, it bugs me. Because really? What I’m doing? Getting through, talking to people, continuing to work and such… What other choice do I […]

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Day 2

The day after Ian died is very much a blur. I don’t remember when I woke. I know it was early. I’ve had to piece the day together from looking at text histories and other things. Early in the morning, on the suggestion of a friend, I decided I needed to carry around some carrot […]

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I Can’t Hear You!

I may have hit the denial stage in earnest. Or bargaining? Maybe both? I’ve started dreaming of him. In the dreams, he and I are in normal situations, doing normal things. We are talking, or singing, or just hanging out. It’s fun and good, and I’m home again. And I wake up, and know he’s […]

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