Complex Emotional Responses

I was speaking last night with a friend. We were at karaoke, and someone sang a song that I still have a very hard time hearing because of Ian. It was one of his ‘favorites’ (as much as you could call any song one of his favorites), and is a very happy bouncy hopeful song. […]

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Letting Go

Today is nine months to the day since Ian died. In the last few days, I’ve started wondering whether I’m holding on to something that doesn’t exist. I know Ian’s dead, and I have no delusion/denial of that fact. But I still talk to him every day. Not in the hopes/with the idea that he hears […]

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There’s a band I discovered in college, and I’ve had their music cycling through pretty much every playlist I’ve made since then. Today, one of their songs came up. Listening to it, I identified with the lyrics, the mood. In my darkest, most hopeless hours, I definitely feel that way. Luckily, those hours are becoming […]

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Something I noticed last year was that I would occasionally have days or short periods where I was unreasonably anxious. Nothing that really caught my attention until one day when I was driving down to visit my mom and found myself clutching my steering wheel really hard for no reason at all. The reason I […]

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Survival Instinct

The instinct to survive is supposedly intrinsic. And yet, all the time, people go against it. Some say that this is because Depression is a disease that alters your mental state, that makes those neurons fire incorrectly, so that the survival instinct is eclipsed by the depression itself, and suicide is the only viable option […]

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Go-To Confessor

Edited to add: I worry that by posting this, I will be discouraging people from talking to me. I don’t want to do that. I would much rather that if you’re feeling desperate, if you’re needing help, and I’m the person you’re comfortable talking with, that you DO SO. I’m ok. I will be ok. I […]

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Unanswered Questions

Another throw back Thursday post. This one I still feel pretty strongly. Maybe always will. One of the worst things for me in this whole deal (aside from losing him. That’s by far worse than anything else) is the unanswered questions. What was he thinking? What made him get to this point NOW? Who had […]

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Emotional Weight

The number and complexity of emotions I’ve been experiencing in the wake of Ian’s death is staggering. I use that word because I really feel like I’m staggering under the weight of them. The sadness alone is big and heavy enough to weigh me down. The other common ones are there too. Anger: At him, […]

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Who Died?

All my life, I would generally describe myself as optimistic. I struggle with a constant low-grade type of depression called Dysthymia, but overall, I’ve always figured things would work out for the best. I can see the good. I can smile and generally make myself feel good. I like that person. She’s uplifting, kind, pleasant, […]

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On Faith, Belief, and Hope

I grew up in religion. Up until I was almost 21, I had a very clear and defined way I believed the universe worked. Even after I left the religion, I still believed in a different order of things. I can’t tell you when my faith turned into hope. When I definitively decided that there […]

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