PTSD and Finding

Each day the online support forum I’m part of asks a question, or brings up a topic. Friday’s was “Finding the Person” and I’ve been sitting on the details of that for a long time. I wrote this over a year ago. I didn’t want to forget the details. So, this is going to be […]

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It’s December. December has always been my favorite month, for many reasons. From 12/1 through 12/31, I was always happier in general. 12/1 was always a YAY day. Yesterday, when I realized it was 12/1, I looked for that yay feeling. I didn’t find it. That isn’t to say I’m as low as I have […]

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I haven’t talked much so far about the effect that finding Ian had on me… Mostly, because up until lately, I haven’t felt like it’s had much effect at all in terms of making my experience different than anyone else’s. In fact, up until lately, I’ve been a little glad that it was me, for […]

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A throw back Thursday post: One of the stages of grief is denial. I’ve always understood denial as a refusal to believe. A refusal to accept. Something akin to putting your head under a pillow and saying ‘no no no no no’. I haven’t felt like that. I’ve WANTED to be able to do that, […]

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Calm With a Chance of Storms

Another throw-back Thursday post. Ok, so there’s this thing happening that I’ve noticed today. It’s weird for me, so I figure it must be something to do with what’s going on. Due to a counseling session yesterday, followed by a very good conversation with his sister, and a realization later in the night, I am […]

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Dreams and Waking

Another throw-back Thursday post. I think I’m lucky that I haven’t had many dreams. Early on, this was one of them. In my dream, I was mad at him. We were in a kitchen, cooking, and he’d done something like ignore me or something, so I wasn’t talking to him. He was telling me about […]

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Emotional Weight

The number and complexity of emotions I’ve been experiencing in the wake of Ian’s death is staggering. I use that word because I really feel like I’m staggering under the weight of them. The sadness alone is big and heavy enough to weigh me down. The other common ones are there too. Anger: At him, […]

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Think of Me

Twelve days after his death, Ian and I were supposed to officiate a wedding together. I did it alone, and it went well. The wedding was great, and everyone enjoyed it. I’m very happy I was able to perform it. I love the couple, and believe that their marriage will be great. I wrote this […]

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Who Died?

All my life, I would generally describe myself as optimistic. I struggle with a constant low-grade type of depression called Dysthymia, but overall, I’ve always figured things would work out for the best. I can see the good. I can smile and generally make myself feel good. I like that person. She’s uplifting, kind, pleasant, […]

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Day One

On the day I found the body of my best friend, co-worker, the man I loved with my whole being, I wasn’t online much. Prior to the discovery, it was a fairly normal day. Then at lunch, I found him, and everything changed. After dealing with the police, medical examiner, a tow truck for my […]

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