Self Evaluations

It’s interesting. I decided to look back at the blog posts I made a year ago, see if and how I’m doing better. Turns out I’m a lot different now than I was then. Both in predictable ways¬†–¬†ways that make sense – and in unpredictable, surprising ways. But there are still some similarities. Those are […]

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Wavering

Last night, on my way to karaoke, I drove the way I tend to drive to work; the way that takes me past the turnoff to Ian’s house. The way I would have driven were I going to pick him up to take him to karaoke (minus actually turning off and going to his house, […]

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Complex Emotional Responses

I was speaking last night with a friend. We were at karaoke, and someone sang a song that I still have a very hard time hearing because of Ian. It was one of his ‘favorites’ (as much as you could call any song one of his favorites), and is a very happy bouncy hopeful song. […]

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Circles

It’s interesting to me how things kind of go in circles still. I can go a good amount of time now, between bouts of regret, but every once in a while, there I am, back in the “bargaining” area, or at least what passes for it in my head. My bargaining was never trying to […]

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It Comes In Waves

Today is a harder day than I’ve had in a little while. I went to the place where we did karaoke together a lot last night, and it was fine. There were a few moments of sadness & nostalgia, but overall, it was a good night. Today, my playlist seems insistent on reminding me of […]

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Ten Months

It’s December 18th at 1:10 am. Ten months ago right now, I was asleep. I’d gone to bed a little early because I was feeling a little under the weather. I’d cancelled plans for the evening because of that. Before I decided to go to bed, I pondered texting Ian. Asking him if he wanted […]

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Woulda Coulda Shoulda

I keep going over and over in my head the things I could have done differently. Would have, had I known that my time with Ian would be so short. Not should have, though. There’s only one of those… And it was probably far less impactful than I think it was. But boy, howdy, are […]

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December

It’s December. December has always been my favorite month, for many reasons. From 12/1 through 12/31, I was always happier in general. 12/1 was always a YAY day. Yesterday, when I realized it was 12/1, I looked for that yay feeling. I didn’t find it. That isn’t to say I’m as low as I have […]

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Sunday Letter # 26

Dear Ian, Today I was thinking a lot about what could have been. If you’d given a real relationship with me a chance, that is. I’m very well aware that it wouldn’t have been perfect. That it may well have been disastrous. However, it may also have been wonderful, and I was pondering that possibility. […]

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I Wish

Another Throwback Thursday post: It’s 3:30am. I turned off my iPad at around 2am, to sleep after crying for a while last night. I woke up probably 15 minutes ago, and tried to go back to sleep without opening my eyes. Then I started playing conversations I should have had with him through my head. […]

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