They say a suicide can cause a chain reaction. That sometimes people will follow suit. I never could. Many things would stop me. Mostly the thought of how it would affect those people I’d leave behind. I couldn’t do that to them.

I know I’ve thought about it, though. The possibility of seeing him again sooner than later is appealing. Stopping the sadness.

I was in the bathroom this morning, and thought idly, “I wonder how many zquil with vodka would put me out?” It was one of those thoughts that under normal circumstances, would at worst be a curiosity, rather than a possible action item.

I will say, I pondered it longer than I would have before. It scares me to say that, because I know that the people who love me are going to read this, and I don’t want them to worry, because it’s truly not an option for me… Because of them. I don’t want to hurt them by even saying I pondered the possibility for 2 minutes… How could I bear to ACTUALLY make a move toward DOING something? That thought alone makes me cry for them.

I’m not in any danger. But I did ponder it for two minutes.

The last thing anyone needs is someone they love to die by their own hand. If you’re thinking about it, consider them. Think about who will find you. Who will take over for you at work. Who will take care of your bills, house, pets, kids, car, clothes, books…. Think about them. Then call someone. The people at 800-273-8255 listen well. They can give you ideas. Call your best friend. Call your parents. They might not know how to react, but they care. Connect with someone. You’re not hopeless, you’re not a freak. You’re not alone.

Because I did ponder it for two minutes.

Written 3/22/2014

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