Reassurance

I wasn’t able to write yesterday for a couple different reasons. An acquaintance of mine was raped on Friday night, and I was spending some time with her, as well as processing some stuff. I’ve been fighting with myself about writing this post, because I feel like I’m taking this terrible experience she had, and […]

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Wavering

Last night, on my way to karaoke, I drove the way I tend to drive to work; the way that takes me past the turnoff to Ian’s house. The way I would have driven were I going to pick him up to take him to karaoke (minus actually turning off and going to his house, […]

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Complex Emotional Responses

I was speaking last night with a friend. We were at karaoke, and someone sang a song that I still have a very hard time hearing because of Ian. It was one of his ‘favorites’ (as much as you could call any song one of his favorites), and is a very happy bouncy hopeful song. […]

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Forgiveness, Anger, and Guilt

After I realized that I forgave Ian, and the initial shock of realizing that doing so was even a thing, I was relieved. If I forgave him, it meant that I could let go of the anger I’d been feeling. It was liberating and very nice. I just felt love and acceptance of him. And […]

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It Comes In Waves

Today is a harder day than I’ve had in a little while. I went to the place where we did karaoke together a lot last night, and it was fine. There were a few moments of sadness & nostalgia, but overall, it was a good night. Today, my playlist seems insistent on reminding me of […]

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Sunday Letter #33

Dear Ian, This may be the last letter I write to you. I still don’t know if they were good ideas to begin with, but now, I feel like they may be aiding me in avoiding letting go. I felt like I had a choice in that… I’m not sure why, because obviously none of […]

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Betrayed

Most the time at this point, I am used to not having Ian around. Most the time, it’s in the background now. I’m not exactly sure why sometimes it jumps to the front again, why there are days that it suddenly feels fresh and new and surprising again, but they do exist. There have already […]

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Busy

I actually forgot today was Tuesday for a bit. Things have been so busy for me at work and home that I’m really not having a lot of brooding time, which might be good. Maybe it’s because of that that for the most part, lately, I haven’t been terribly sad. I’ve been going. Concentrating on […]

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Letting Go

Today is nine months to the day since Ian died.┬áIn the last few days, I’ve started wondering whether I’m holding on to something that doesn’t exist. I know Ian’s dead, and I have no delusion/denial of that fact. But I still talk to him every day. Not in the hopes/with the idea that he hears […]

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Music

Another Throw Back Thursday Post: I started trying to listen to music more normally the other day. That turned out to be a bad idea. He and I shared SO MUCH music that listening to entire genres ended up making me terribly sad. Whether it was a significant song or not, just knowing how he […]

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