Sunday Letter #4

Fourth installment of a weekly letter to Ian. Again, if you have someone you’ve lost and want to write a letter to them, feel free. You can email me, post it as a comment, whatever. I’ll post it if you want… if you don’t want me to post it I’ll hold onto it. Seems to […]

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Why Am I Crying?

So there’s a very strange phenomenon that I’ve noticed. I will start crying because of a particular memory or thought, in the most prominent instance so far was after the wedding we were supposed to officiate together. I held it together through the ceremony and the dinner, then left. In my car, letting the snow […]

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Think of Me

Twelve days after his death, Ian and I were supposed to officiate a wedding together. I did it alone, and it went well. The wedding was great, and everyone enjoyed it. I’m very happy I was able to perform it. I love the couple, and believe that their marriage will be great. I wrote this […]

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Holding to Hope

Honestly, today’s been one of the worse days in this thing… Not because of the friend I have in town, but just because I seemed to be more emotionally…. Unstable? Raw? On edge? Something in that mix. I just felt like I was about to lose it all day long. Not sure in which way… […]

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Cleaning the Wound

As time passes, the awareness of Ian’s death has changed for me. At first, the knowledge would sneak up on me, punch me in the gut when I remembered the reality. Then it became this constant feeling of doom, gloom, sadness, and pain. At this point, though, it’s different. Interesting. I never forget. It’s not […]

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Day 2

The day after Ian died is very much a blur. I don’t remember when I woke. I know it was early. I’ve had to piece the day together from looking at text histories and other things. Early in the morning, on the suggestion of a friend, I decided I needed to carry around some carrot […]

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Even Keel

The days have become mostly standard. I seem to no longer be on tenterhooks all the time. There are certainly times when I’ll think of something, see something, hear something, and cry. And I’m still pretty far from doing well. But it feels mostly like I’m on an even keel. Except I feel like at […]

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