I Am Two People

Another throw back Thursday post:

Today, at work, I noticed something. I seem to have two phases of dealing with Ian’s death. Almost two different personalities.

At work, I have to accept it. I have to move on. I have to just keep going and make plans and do what needs to be done to compensate for his absence. So I do. I make plans to look through his notebooks, to go through the emails to try to find out how we can all do our jobs best.

But personally? Outside of work? I’m not ready to accept it. I’m not ready to make accommodations. I’m not ready to move on.

When I’m in work mode, I kind of feel like I’m being disloyal. Like I shouldn’t be able to do that. I know that’s silly, and that to function, we need to. But I still feel like I shouldn’t be able to. I am, though. And I do.

And when I’m in personal mode, I feel like I’m weak, like I’m dwelling on it too hard. I feel stupid because nothing I’m doing there has any effect on the facts. I can’t change things, no matter how much I might want to. So being stuck and unwilling to accept it is futile. I also know that that feeling is silly. That he was such a huge part of my life that of course it’s going to be hard. Of course it’s going to take time.

I’m not beating myself up for either of these things, because I can pretty much understand where each of them are coming from. But I noticed the dichotomy today, and it was jarring.

I am oxymoron girl.

Written 3/20/2014

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