It Comes In Waves

Today is a harder day than I’ve had in a little while. I went to the place where we did karaoke together a lot last night, and it was fine. There were a few moments of sadness & nostalgia, but overall, it was a good night.

Today, my playlist seems insistent on reminding me of the fun we had. It’s really hard to put into words the emotions I’m having to work through. Partially because there aren’t good words for them. Maybe I just don’t know the words. Much as I pride myself on a pretty good vocabulary, maybe I haven’t learned the word for regret for lost future events. Because regret refers to the past. But that’s the closest thing to what I feel… I regret that I won’t ever sing with him again. The other problem with regret is that that word indicates some small level of guilt, or ‘I could have done something different’ – which obviously doesn’t apply here.

It’s just so damn sad.

And it’s annoying. I’ve gotten used to feeling ok. Not better, but used to it. Resigned to it. Moving forward and able to focus on that. And today it overwhelms me. Today every forward motion reminds me that he won’t see it. He won’t be there. He won’t laugh or cry or sing or dance or be a jerk or make me feel better or anything else.

It’s not fair. Not that I’ve ever thought anything was. But still. I want to throw a tantrum and scream and yell and cry and get my fucking way and get him back. IT’S NOT FAIR.

What a waste of energy. But there it is. Apparently, today, that’s the only thing I can muster the energy for. Everything else is just meh.

Stupid depression. Stupid suicide. Stupid death. Stupid Ian. Stupid world.

Tonight is going to be a hiding in my house not talking to anyone and just cuddling my cat night.

Written 1/15/2015

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