It’s interesting to me how things kind of go in circles still. I can go a good amount of time now, between bouts of regret, but every once in a while, there I am, back in the “bargaining” area, or at least what passes for it in my head. My bargaining was never trying to make deals with god or the powers that be or whatnot. Mine has always been more along the lines of, if only I’d done this thing or that thing, maybe I could have changed the outcome.

Aside from one particular instance, I don’t feel any guilt for not doing that thing or this thing, but boy do I wish I had. And my bargaining comes to light with me playing through the possible scenarios of what would have gone down differently if I had. It circles back then, to me trying to move forward and away from that line of thinking. It does no good. What if is a perfect waste of time.

I feel like all these stages, all these steps are part of an M.C. Escher painting. I feel much like Sarah, searching for her little brother, except what I’m searching for is… I don’t know. That’s probably part of the problem. I don’t know what I’m looking for. I don’t WANT to stop wishing. I don’t want to forget or move on or get over it. Occasionally, I’ll get a glimmer of something that I may want, something like peace. But even then, as often as not, I don’t really want it, or can’t let myself get there. So it’s an endless circle.

Written 3/3/2015

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