Forgiveness, Anger, and Guilt

After I realized that I forgave Ian, and the initial shock of realizing that doing so was even a thing, I was relieved. If I forgave him, it meant that I could let go of the anger I’d been feeling. It was liberating and very nice. I just felt love and acceptance of him.

And then some time passed, and I realized that I AM still mad. Not at HIM, per se… but at the situation. At the fact that he’s not here. At fate or the universe or whatever. And then I realized that I still felt annoyed at him. Not mad, but annoyed. I found myself reverting back to thinking at him occasionally, “I miss you, you jerk,” or something similar.

Hoo, boy, did that elicit some conflicting and strong emotions. I forgave him. How can I still be mad at him? Am I allowed to call him names because I’m annoyed still? Or does the fact that I forgave him mean I need to not think that way anymore?

Yeah. Check me out, trying to apply set rules to emotions. Sounds like me. It’s very hard for me to accept that emotions will do their thing, and the only thing I can control is how I act on them. I can’t stop them from happening. Because I have such a hard time accepting that, lately, I’ve been avoiding them entirely. Save a few bouts here or there, I’ve been keeping myself occupied, either with travel, or events, or even just avoiding them by focusing on a new TV show.

I know that long term, that’s not a healthy strategy. But I’m thinking that maybe, in the short term, over the anniversary of his death, and coming into the time of year I get depressed, it might end up being an acceptable coping method. I’m avoiding dwelling on the emotions, and instead focusing on new projects, new aspirations, and bettering friendships.

As long as it doesn’t blow up in my face because I do it too long, I should be ok, right?

Here’s hoping. For now, my emotions and me? We’re going Dutch.

Written 3/5/2015

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