To reconcile is to make harmonious, to restore friendly relations, to make things match.

It’s an interesting word with many applications. One that I like. I think reconciliation is a wonderful thing, one that should be a goal for everyone. Making true. Making everything coexist in peace.

But, much as I like the idea, I can’t understand how it works when the things you need to reconcile are oxymorons.

I can’t begin to imagine how to reconcile the fact that Ian is gone with the fact that somehow, someday, I’m supposed to be happy and ok again. It doesn’t seem to work in my head. It certainly doesn’t work in my heart.

In talking to an acquaintance recently, we were discussing mindsets, and how certain things should be best undertaken when your mindset is generally good. I wondered if it was something that could be situational; “I know that this particular thing is going to be good, and I’m looking forward to it.” Or if it had to be universal; “Life is good, and everything will work ¬†out happy.” Having slightly more experience than I do, he said it really should be universal, to which I replied that I guess I wouldn’t be doing any of those things any time soon. He said to give it time. That I would get there.

I found his surety endearing and slightly naive. Because I don’t know how to reconcile this. I can’t operate under a belief that life is good and most things turn out fine and yay happy rainbows. Not anymore. At best, life is random, and if you’re lucky, you’re born with enough advantages to make it through relatively unscathed. More often, you’re in the middle.. a couple advantages that help carry you through, but you get beat up pretty hard. And sometimes you just can’t make it through. Ian couldn’t.

So how do I reconcile the fact that the love of my life is gone with the idea that I need to eventually carry on and find happiness again? I don’t know the answer to that. If it’s even possible, it won’t be for a long time.

Written 12/29/2014

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