I was speaking last night with a friend. We were at karaoke, and someone sang a song that I still have a very hard time hearing because of Ian. It was one of his ‘favorites’ (as much as you could call any song one of his favorites), and is a very happy bouncy hopeful song. […]
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After I realized that I forgave Ian, and the initial shock of realizing that doing so was even a thing, I was relieved. If I forgave him, it meant that I could let go of the anger I’d been feeling. It was liberating and very nice. I just felt love and acceptance of him. And […]
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It’s interesting to me how things kind of go in circles still. I can go a good amount of time now, between bouts of regret, but every once in a while, there I am, back in the “bargaining” area, or at least what passes for it in my head. My bargaining was never trying to […]
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Looking back on my week, it’s been interesting, surprising, pleasant mostly, and heartening. The newfound forgiveness is somewhat difficult to wrap my head around. I’m still trying to figure out its effect on my emotions. It’s having effects, for sure. For example, my sadness is far less agitated. Let me see if I can actually […]
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In relation to a death, don’t like the phrase ‘move on.’ I also don’t like ‘get over it.’ Both imply to me that you’re leaving something behind, and I don’t want to leave anything behind. I don’t want to forget them or the pain that losing them causes. I want to remember and honor them. […]
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Friday I had a rough evening. I was homesick after two weeks away, and my brain wouldn’t let some things go. I went to sleep through tears, and begged Ian, “If you ARE still out there, and you did care at all, let me know.” I have a number of friends who claim sensitivity, and […]
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My ex, whom I dated for nearly ten years, got married today. I am so happy for him and his wife. I was happy when they started dating, and happy that they seem to be so good for each other. I wasn’t able to be a witness for them because I wasn’t in town, which […]
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One year. I’m having trouble figuring out how to address this day here. It feels like it’s both a huge deal, because it’s the Anniversary, and that it’s completely unimportant, because it’s just another day without Ian. One year ago right now, 12:12pm cst, I was getting ready to leave work to go to his […]
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Tomorrow’s the big day. The Anniversary. Today is a year since I had any sort of conversation with him. It was brief, curt. Work-related, or my guess is that he wouldn’t even have responded. I miss him so damn much. If anyone ever invents a time machine, I’m going back and fixing this shitstorm. I’ve […]
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It was a year ago today that I last saw Ian in person. He was mad at me because I was teasing him about having a valentine, since he’d told me he couldn’t work on something with me because he had plans. I don’t know for sure what they were, or even if he did […]
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