Calm

Looking back on my week, it’s been interesting, surprising, pleasant mostly, and heartening.

The newfound forgiveness is somewhat difficult to wrap my head around. I’m still trying to figure out its effect on my emotions. It’s having effects, for sure.

For example, my sadness is far less agitated. Let me see if I can actually make that make any sort of sense. See, I’m still very sad that things are as they are. It still hurts, and it still sucks. But there’s a sense of restlessness about it that is dwindling. It’s like this bag of sadness used to be full of buzzing angry bees, and now, they’ve been smoked into sleep. The fact of the bag, its reality, its contents – none of that has changed. But now it’s not buzzing as well.

I had a dream last night that featured Ian. True to the pattern of all my dreams that include him, we were normal. Things were happy. Upon waking, I was still sad that it wasn’t real. But it didn’t make me feel like I neede to DO something. All the dreams I’ve had of him before this have made me feel like I needed to react to them somehow.. Learn something, or figure out what they mean or really anything. This time, I’m ok enjoying the content of the dream, seeing his face when he did something he knew to be silly and get a reaction. That defiant grin.

I hesitate to say that things are getting better or easier for me. Because he’s still gone, and that will never get better. But things are definitely changing, so that’s something.

 Written 2/28/2015

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