My ex, whom I dated for nearly ten years, got married today. I am so happy for him and his wife. I was happy when they started dating, and happy that they seem to be so good for each other.

I wasn’t able to be a witness for them because I wasn’t in town, which made me sad. I wish I could have been there to celebrate with them.

That is the majority of my emotion on the subject, but there is a small part of me that is uncharitably jealous. They, along with what seems like the rest of the world, have each other. They have companionship, love, a partner. And here I am, my best friend, my person, my soulmate dead and ashes. Never coming back, never coming around, never to be seen again.

I’m jealous. Maybe it was a good thing that I wasn’t able to be there, because as much as I AM thrilled for them; as much as I’m so glad they’re happy, I’m not sure my jealousy wouldn’t have somehow made it into their consciousness today, and they deserve not to feel that at all.

I miss him. That’s really old news. But, also? I miss hope. I miss believing that things always turn out right in the end. I miss knowing that everything will work out, and I’ll find love. Because now? Now I believe that I will remain alone. That I’ll have my cat(s), and friends, and that will be the best I can expect.

I don’t want SOMEONE. I want HIM.

And that can’t happen.

Written 2/20/2015

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