Another Throw Back Thursday Post:
Being on vacation, outside of my life has been good for me.
I still miss Ian every day, but the constant reminders aren’t here. I’m seeing people he didn’t know very well if at all. I’m going places we never went, or really even talked about. I miss my home, my cat. My bed. But I don’t necessarily miss the perpetual indications of his absence.
I brought his fan along. The one he kept by his bed, and would travel with just in case he needed white noise. I was glad when I didn’t have to use it for the first week… Then for the first three nights of the second week… Because it’s got a very distinct sound, and I hadn’t heard it since the last night we spent together. I didn’t know how I’d react.
The fourth night, though, in my college friend’s house in Richmond, I needed it. Both for noise and airflow. And I cried when I turned it on… Because when I heard that sound before, it was always when he and I were done doing whatever we were doing that night, and it was time to cuddle & sleep. And I miss holding him. But then? After the initial crying? It was ok. I still miss him, but it’s not debilitating.
I’m kind of dreading getting back to my house with the mess and all of his stuff laid out… I need to put things away. Figure out where things should go.
On the other hand? I can’t wait to get home… To see his pictures. To touch the lock of hair I have. To smell his pillow. To pet my cat. Only a few more nights at this point. And an early morning, so I definitely shouldn’t still be up at 1:30am. Yikes.
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