There is an endless stream of things that need to be done. Some only kind of need to be done. Others, there’s not a choice. I have been blaming my inability to do most of the ones that only kind of needed to be done on depression, on grief. But recently, a friend of mine introduced me to a book called “Running on Empty” – It’s about the effects of emotional neglect while growing up.

After reading most of it, it occurred to me that this problem with motivation predates Ian’s death. Then, though I could blame it on being busy, or tired, or whatever.

The thing with emotional neglect is that it’s not something you can point to. It’s not abuse, it’s the absence of something, often due to circumstances and real life. It’s often as not, due to parents who are good people, trying to do their best, but in the real world, it makes sense that sometimes things get missed. No one is perfect.

In my case, my mom was awesome. She taught me amazing things, made my life full of love and happiness. But she was a single mother, which meant she had to work. She had to leave me alone so she could provide for us. I was a good kid, so she trusted me. Didn’t see the need to be terribly strict, with curfews and such. I was (am) incredibly stubborn and bull headed, and after a long day of work, and money concerns and everything else in life, she didn’t have the reserves to make me do things I didn’t want to do. Because of those things, I never learned to do that either. So now, if I have things that should be done, but aren’t entirely necessary, and I don’t want to, doing them is…. hard. Nigh impossible.

This book has ideas, suggestions, exercises. I’m going to do them. Try to get myself more healthy.

I think everyone could learn from it, gain from it, if they were open to it. I wish Ian had seen it and grown from it. Maybe he would have gotten better.

He didn’t. But I can. And I will.

Now to go do the dishes.

Written 12/6/14

1,193 total views, 1 views today

Share

Facebook

Google+

Twitter

email