Today, Ian would have been 37. If he were still here, I’d likely still be in bed at the moment. 50/50 odds on whether I’d be in mine or his. That would have depended on many factors. I would have taken the day off of work so that I could chauffeur him around, and we would […]
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Another Sunday letter: Ian, Today is Father’s Day. This holiday never had much to offer me, but I know you would have done something with your dad. I feel for him, though I haven’t talked to him much. I didn’t want to push myself into his life, because I may be an uncomfortable reminder or […]
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Edited to add: I worry that by posting this, I will be discouraging people from talking to me. I don’t want to do that. I would much rather that if you’re feeling desperate, if you’re needing help, and I’m the person you’re comfortable talking with, that you DO SO. I’m ok. I will be ok. I […]
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Another installment of Sunday letters to Ian. Ian, It’s been over 100 days since you died. Right now, there’s a loud thunderstorm going on. It reminds me of the night you and I hung out on my driveway in the rain. You loved summer thunderstorms, and enjoyed them. Reminded me to take the time to […]
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It’s been 102 days since Ian died. I’m usually ok now, especially at work. I’m getting to where I can concentrate for most the day, stay on task, all that. But sometimes? Sometimes not so much. I was in a meeting today with the people he worked most closely with. We were having a generally […]
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Almost everyone I talk to says they feel like they don’t deserve to feel as bad as they do. We all feel like frauds. I feel like a fraud because even though he was the center of my world for the past four years, that’s only four years. His family has so many more that […]
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Fourth installment of a weekly letter to Ian. Again, if you have someone you’ve lost and want to write a letter to them, feel free. You can email me, post it as a comment, whatever. I’ll post it if you want… if you don’t want me to post it I’ll hold onto it. Seems to […]
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I don’t want things to go back to normal. I know it’s inevitable. I know it’s healthy. But it feels disloyal. Like I’m negating who he was, how important he was to me…. rejecting it. Speaking with his mom a few days ago, she said that we’d been existing in a cocoon of mourning for […]
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The number and complexity of emotions I’ve been experiencing in the wake of Ian’s death is staggering. I use that word because I really feel like I’m staggering under the weight of them. The sadness alone is big and heavy enough to weigh me down. The other common ones are there too. Anger: At him, […]
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Continuing the Sunday Letter trend: Ian, It’s after 2am Sunday morning, Mother’s Day. I can’t help but feel for your mom today. I wish I had a way I could help her. Instead, I’m lying awake in my own mom’s guest bed after a semi-harrowing drive down to her place. The drive let me have […]
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