I don’t want things to go back to normal.

I know it’s inevitable. I know it’s healthy. But it feels disloyal. Like I’m negating who he was, how important he was to me…. rejecting it. 

Speaking with his mom a few days ago, she said that we’d been existing in a cocoon of mourning for him, with people who were as deeply affected, and who felt it as hard. And now that we have to continue living our lives, we’re emerging from that cocoon. 

I want to stay in it. I don’t WANT to come out. I want to cry and scream and gnash my teeth and make everyone realize how much more sad the world has become without him in it. I want people to acknowledge the loss. I want flags at half mast, everyone in black, everything dedicated to his memory.

I know that’s not possible. That living means continuing… means eventually going back to some sort of normal. But it’s only been two weeks. It seems so fast for that to be happening already. I’m just not ready yet.

But the world moves on. Ready or not. And if I’m to be practical… to not ruin my future… I need to at least start moving with it. So I work. And it’s almost normal sometimes. I talk to friends. And that’s almost normal sometimes too. 

I can’t stop it, much as I want to. It feels wrong doing things that are normal… Like watching the tv shows I used to watch… Shouldn’t I be doing something? Something weird? Something to commemorate him? Something to remember him? 

Not watching tv like nothing happened…. 

It’s just. I don’t know what. I don’t know.

I have an hour before I need to leave for a rehearsal for the wedding tomorrow, so there’s not much else I can do currently. 

It just feels wrong.

Written 2/28/2014

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