I know a lot of my recent posts have been about the ways in which I’m progressing. Today, I feel less like progress is happening, and more as though I’m just faking it really well.

See, I still don’t eat as much as I probably should. Mostly because every time I eat, I feel sick. To varying degrees, from a slight discomfort to full on having to take deep breaths so as to not throw up. Right now I’m breathing deep because I went and had a sandwich and a cup of soup for lunch. Add to that a latte, and a gulp or two of water, and my innards do not want to be in. If I don’t eat too much, it tends to be less intrusive. However on Monday, I had a few baby carrots with ranch dip, and a couple blackberries. I was intending to eat all of the blackberries in the little pack, but couldn’t. I tried to eat some (really tasty) fried mushrooms with curry sauce later that night, and managed probably 10 before I needed to stop.

I’m sick of feeling sick.

And here’s the thing. I know I’ve got it WAY better than a lot of people. People who are going through chemo, or have serious digestive issues, or any number of other things. Me, it’s just… stress? Habit? Grief…

It is definitely worse on days that I miss Ian on a more cognizant level.

I’m not throwing up anymore. I was, for a longer time than I cared to admit. I just had to give up fighting it and let my body do the rejecting it wanted.

All of this is definitely leading to a far more svelte looking me, which I guess I’m grateful for. I just wish it were a result of something healthy, rather than something that I don’t have a whole lot of control over.

Knowing that I haven’t been eating as much, I’m being far more aware of WHAT I’m eating, and have switched to more healthy things, for the most part, so I’m TRYING to cover my bases, and honestly, I tend not to feel bad, aside from the stomach stuff. If I ever start feeling faint or weak or anything, I’ll certainly do something. For now, I’m just… nauseated.

All this to say that, yes, I am making progress in some areas. But this is complex, and in some ways I’m right where I was a year ago. And today, I miss Ian. I wish I could grab him and talk to him about some recent events and make him just give me one of his hugs and hold me for a minute. I wish my Person was here to support me. And it sucks that he’s not. Sadly, there’s no substitute. There’s no replacing him.

So I just suck it up, and feel nauseated, and don’t let myself throw up.

Written 5/6/15

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