All of us are raised with a mythical ideal. If you do this, then that will happen. If you follow this path, it will lead there. The rules are different for women and men. For various cultures, religions, etc. But there are ‘rules’ that if you follow, things will go an expected way. Not to put too fine a point on it, that is bullshit.
I was taught by society, by my upbringing, that if I was kind, nice, good, followed the rules, learned the things I needed to learned, did well enough at things, was reliable, was confident, but not arrogant, was smart, proficient, loving, caring, then things would turn out in a certain way. I would get love, happiness, health, joy, etc. By this time, I’d be in a great relationship, my life would be predictable and on the right track.
Everyone has their own iteration of the myth. It’s heartbreaking when it doesn’t work out. I think it doesn’t work out far more often than any of us think. I think that it actually working out is the rarity.
I’m watching a tv show right now, and one of the characters has an illness that may end up being terminal. Right now, I’m of two minds. I want the character to survive, of course. I want everything to turn out well, and be happy. But the realistic me hopes it doesn’t work out. I want it to be realistic. I want real life to prevail, where people die, and hearts break permanently.
Where should we draw the line between realism and fantasy?
I don’t know. I don’t know if there’s a way to make the myth less painful when it doesn’t come true. Or if we should even try. I feel like Ian, and anyone who suffers from depression is hurt so much by it, that it would be good to get rid of it. To break it. But then, Depression is its own thing. Whether you believe the myth or not, I think it will push you. Either you feel like it’s hopeless regardless of anything, or that you don’t deserve the good, and that’s why it’s not working out. Either you’re screwed from the get-go, or you’re so fatally flawed that it will never come true.
Depression is evil. Life sucks. But life is also beautiful. And it can work out well… even if it’s not in the way you thought it would. You just never know. And the best thing to do is keep pressing on until you can’t anymore.
Always keep fighting.
Written 5/8/15
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