Easter was never a big deal for my family. Mom and I would do baskets, but there was never a big family gathering.

If Ian was still alive, today would have been just another normal day for me. I would likely have been up until very late this morning, singing with him, then slept most the day while he went to do the family thing. It would have been a boring, mediocre day.

I would prefer that to him being gone. Given the choice, that’s what I’d choose.

But today was (aside from missing him, and the constant pain and sadness from that) a good day. I went to his family’s shindig. I cooked good food, ate good food, watched the Brewers pull off a win, played games with the kids, laughed with the adults, and generally felt accepted and loved. I got to talk to my mom for a while, even.

I know that given the choice between him being there and me being there, everyone would choose him. I would. But wow, do I love those guys. I wish (as I’ve said many many times) that he had let me in, let me get to know them.. let me be a part of that portion of his life earlier. At all. Because they are amazing. And I would have loved to be able to join him with them. That would have been as close to perfect for me as I think it’s possible to get.

Today was not as hard for me as I think it was for them. Because for me, it wasn’t a situation in which I was used to seeing him. I did cry while we were on a walk, imagining him playing with the girls, thinking about what he might do to join them on the playground equipment, if he were there. I wish I could have seen that. I pictured him pushing them on the swings, doing things that would make their mom yell at him because it was dangerous. Laughing because he knew he had it under control and they’d be fine. But I never got to see that. I never got to know how he would actually be. So for me, it was pure speculation. For them, they knew. They could picture it, because it had happened before.

It’s still heartbreaking. It always will be. And I think there will always be new and different ways in which it hits. But I guess what struck me today was that while, yes, I would give all of what I had today up to have him back, what I had today was amazing. While, yes, I am in pain and sad and lonely, and miss him dreadfully, today, I felt loved and treasured, and it was good. I would give them up if it meant we could all have him back. But I wouldn’t give them up for anything else.

Aside from the obvious gaping hole in my heart where he should be, this Easter was the best I’ve had in a long while. Only two things would have made it better, and those two things are two people who should have been here with us in person. Him, and my mom.

It feels disloyal to say it, because I have this little niggly thing telling me I shouldn’t ever be HAPPY now… but really? Today was a good day. The best I’ve had yet. The place where he should be never stops aching. But everything else today let it fade into the background a little more. Let me feel something else, at least a little.

I’m so grateful for that. For this family who has taken me (a virtual stranger) in. For him knowing that would happen and making sure it did. I miss him and wish I could share them with him, but in a way, he’s sharing them with me, and I can’t help but be thankful for it. Even if I’m a little (or a lot, depending on the day) mad at him for doing it the way he did. Even if I’m still heart-broken because he didn’t believe any of us could help him. I think he knew he could help me. Maybe them, too, but I truly believe he knew I needed a family like that… and he made sure I got it. 

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