One of the things that I’ve learned about myself is that when I’m grieving, I have trouble eating. I can’t eat as much as I normally do (say, one slice of pizza rather than two or three), and if it’s really bad, keeping food down is sometimes an issue.
I’m one of those Health At Every Size people, and have been working very hard to love and enjoy my (very healthy) body as it is*, and I feel like I’ve mostly gotten there. Yes, I’ll occasionally still cringe at the double chin in pictures, or the big upper arms, or the sticking out belly. But for the most part, I’m healthy, able to do everything I want to do on a regular basis, and pretty darn ok with things.
Over the past month, I’ve lost about half an inch universally. I notice this because the pants that were a perfect fit before are kind of baggy. I noticed when my (yes, kind of old, and a little stretched out anyway) bras started not being quite snug enough around the bottom. I noticed that I felt skinnier.
And there are so many reasons that I don’t want to enjoy that feeling. First and foremost, the REASON for the weight loss is that my best friend, the love of my life is dead. That is NOT a good reason. Not at all. That alone makes me want to hate it.
Second, the method for the weight loss is less than healthy. I’m trying to (and succeeding, mostly) eat a decent variety of foods, so that my body isn’t missing out on a lot of things it needs, but still, not eating is not healthy.
Third, I don’t want to care about what size or shape my body is, as long as it’s healthy. It feels like a betrayal of the size acceptance thing I’ve been so vocal about promoting. It feels like, by liking the skinnier feeling, I’m negating all of that.
Fourth, I’m sure that once I get to where I can eat normally again (if I ever can), I will gain the weight back (and likely more, as that’s how bodies tend to react to under-nutrition), and that also bugs me.
I guess it’s a matter of ‘what can you do?’ I can’t force myself to eat more now. That just ends with me miserable or throwing up. And I refuse to count calories, do diets, or otherwise try to regulate my weight by not eating what and when I want when I can again**. So there’s nothing to be done. Just let my mind & body do what they need, and I’ll just deal with it.
*Note: I do not need nor want advice about weight loss, eating habits, or any other such things. This post is just to examine the mixed feelings I have about this particular part of grieving.
**Disclaimer: My eating habits have always been moderate. Probably not the most healthy choices on a regular basis, but I rarely eat a HUGE amount.
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