Contradictions

I know I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m now in a place where it’s really noticeable – I hold a number of completely contradictory emotions all at the same time. Right now, I’ve got several things that are going really well. Like, REALLY well. And I’m excited about them. And I’m looking forward to them. And at the very same time, I’ve got this sense of complete hopelessness. It’s a very weird place, my brain. My heart? I don’t know.

The dichotomy of these emotions is putting me off balance. The good thing I’m noticing is that I can focus on one or the other. They coexist, but I can ignore one. Obviously, I end up ignoring the hopeless side more often than the hopeful one. Though, that in and of itself kind of scares me. Because what if all of these hopes end up failing? Then what? All of them doing so is unlikely, but it’s POSSIBLE.

I guess if that happens, I just have to hope (haha) that something else comes up I can hope for.

I’m at a point now, where I have very VERY thick walls/shields around what remains of my shattered heart. The heart is still there, still shattered. It seems like maybe the pieces are getting SLIGHTLY bigger, knitting back together a little. But it’s still very very broken. But now I don’t feel the need to let everyone (anyone?) in to see it. I’m hiding, because that feels safer to me.

It makes me wonder whether I’ll be able to whittle away at those shields once my heart is less broken. If it ever is. And, there’s that hopelessness – I doubt it ever will be. I guess that, all of it, is speculation, and a problem for future me. Current me? Current me is guarding this room in her soul wherein lay the shattered bits of her heart. Guarding it with bomb-shelter thick walls, a gigantic sword, and lots of armor. Current me is letting that be, and focusing on the things she can hope for.

I have an appointment with my therapist today, which I think is good. Because I am worried that current me may be unintentionally doing damage to future me’s chances of real healing, but I’m not at all sure how to deal with that. Or even if there’s anything I CAN do differently.

This? This exact type of conundrum makes me feel like I can understand Ian’s actions in the last years of his life. Drinking it away makes total sense. (Except that I really hate hangovers, so it’s not an option for me.) Everything else he did to just ignore it, have fun, plug his ears and ‘lalalalalala’ it all away is completely understandable. I think one of the major differences between us is that I don’t seem to be built for that. If something is going on, I HAVE to examine it. He got mad at me for that, but I’m willing to put money on that difference being the thing that will make (has made) me unwilling/unable to seriously consider taking his route.

The unexamined life is dangerous… if more fun.

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