One of the things I have been fighting with/worrying about, is whether I’m making decisions that will help or hurt me in the long run. Am I doing things the smart way? Am I making sure I’m being careful? After a major life-changing event, like the suicide of the person you love, the likelihood of doing really DUMB things goes WAY up. I have a feeling I’ll be concerned about this for a long time yet.
That type of thinking, however, entails a great deal of speculation and worry about the future. I play out scenarios in as many ways as I possibly can – If I do this, then that could happen and if that, then that, then that then that… etc.
While I believe that a little of this is good – it’s good to understand that actions have consequences, and have an idea what they might be – it’s crazy-making. Not only that, but it makes me stressed out. I am on edge, wondering what domino effects one little decision will cause.
One of the things that (peripherally, actually… we didn’t talk about it directly) I took away from my therapy appointment this week was that we don’t have crystal balls. None of us KNOW what will lead to which… and that’s OK. The thing I need to learn is to be here now. To understand possible consequences, but then let it go and let it happen as it will. Because control-freak me wants to plan for every eventuality. Control-freak me wants to make sure I’m doing exactly the ‘right’ thing all the time. But control-freak me needs to learn that I can only control two things. 1-What I say, and 2-What I do. Other than that, EVERYTHING else is not under my power. What I feel? No. What I think? No. What anyone or anything else says, does, etc? Nope.
Let it go, and be where you are. Not only is it important to BE where you are, it’s important to HONOR where you are.
I keep thinking I should be feeling a certain way. I should be wanting a certain thing. I should be looking for or working toward or hoping for a particular outcome. But again, I don’t have control over what I feel. If I’m not wanting that “right” thing, I can’t MAKE myself want it. Realizing that, accepting that, and honoring that is DIFFICULT. It’s something I have to keep re-learning. Because I have learned it at various points in my life. I learned it when I realized I didn’t want kids. I learned to let the idea that I SHOULD want them go. I learned to be where I was with that. And I can honestly say, that is one of the most peaceful decisions I’ve ever made. I have NEVER questioned it. And I reconfirm it constantly.
Be where you are. Honor where you are. Accept where you are. Because that is the most peaceful existence. That’s the way to enjoy life.
I’m not saying don’t work toward goals. I’m saying make sure the goals you have really resonate. I think that’s the hardest question for me to answer, consistently – “What do you want?”
Figuring that out requires that I let go of the shoulds, the ‘rights,’ the planning. Let it go, be where I am, really LOOK at where I AM. And right here, right now, what do I want?
I’m still working on that.
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