Most the time at this point, I am used to not having Ian around. Most the time, it’s in the background now. I’m not exactly sure why sometimes it jumps to the front again, why there are days that it suddenly feels fresh and new and surprising again, but they do exist. There have already been a couple this week.
This morning, I saw a picture of him I’d put up, and got really angry. See, he promised me that I wouldn’t be able to get rid of him. He promised that he’d always be around. And yet, here I am… and here he’s not.
Intellectually, I know that his leap into suicide had nothing to do with me. I know it was all him, all in his head. Had nothing to do with anyone else. But in my heart, it’s really hard not to take it personally. He PROMISED. And now I’m stuck without him.
Maybe I’m selfish. Maybe I’m being ridiculous. But damnit, I’m mad at him for breaking his promise to me. I trusted him, and he broke his word.
Written 12/16/2014
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It will sneak up on you for a long time, when you aren’t expecting it . Sometimes it will suck the air right out of you, or hit you in the back of the kness. But it gets less and less frequent. Never quite goes away.