Ten Months

It’s December 18th at 1:10 am. Ten months ago right now, I was asleep. I’d gone to bed a little early because I was feeling a little under the weather. I’d cancelled plans for the evening because of that. Before I decided to go to bed, I pondered texting Ian. Asking him if he wanted me to come over so we could prepare for the wedding we were officiating together. Seeing if everything was ok after he’d missed a day of work for “family things.”

I didn’t. Instead I went to bed. I opted to just touch base with him the next day. Give myself a night of rest to feel better. Not get him sick, if that’s where I was headed. Not intrude, if things weren’t good. Also, to prove to him and myself that I was fine not relying on him… That I didn’t NEED to talk to him constantly.

I wish I’d texted. Asked what was up. Bugged him to get together. Asked him about that thing a few weeks back he’d wanted to talk about and never followed up on.

All those things crossed my mind. And then I went to bed.

Ten months ago right now, at 1:23am, Ian was fixing his last drink. Or listening to his last record. Or watching his last movie. Or singing his last song. He was thinking about the note he’d write. He was making sure everything was ready.

Ten months ago right now, everything was still ok in my world. I was dreaming about myself after retirement. I was dreaming that I was traveling the world, with lovers half my age, having the time of my life. Ten months ago right now, I was happy.

Ten months ago, Ian was still in the world, and there wasn’t a gigantic hole that nothing can ever fill.

Ten months. And it still feels like yesterday.

Written 12/18/2014

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