Thanksgiving approaches, and as it does, I feel the need to speak again.
Thanksgiving is a time of year when people are enticed to be thankful for things in their lives. I know several who are posting one thing they’re thankful for each day in November. I know that it’s a common tradition, around the dinner table on the day to go around, and everyone name something they’re thankful for.
This year, I’m going to join that chorus here. I need to express my gratitude for time. For the fact that even though I still do miss Ian, and always will, it’s getting to a point where it’s background noise. I’ve healed a lot. I didn’t think that would happen. And some days it’s still raw and I still cry. But those days are becoming more and more spread out.
I wish he were still here – that he and I were discussing our recipe plans for this year’s big feast; that we had the opportunity to hold the Top Chef style contest we’d talked about and almost did the Thanksgiving before he died. I do wish he were here to talk with, hug, have fun with, yell at. But he’s not. And I think for the first time since he died, I’m consistently actually okay.
I still get mad at him. Often. I still yearn to hear his voice, awful as it was, singing one of our songs. I still wish we’d had the opportunity to do all the things we talked about. I still miss the asshole.
But I’m healing. And for that, I am very thankful.
Written 11/20/2015
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