The question today from the support group I’m in is about whether the members have noticed that other people are avoiding them since the suicide of their loved one. They ask if the members think that’s because of the suicide, and how it makes them feel.
Personally, a number of my relationships with people have changed drastically since Ian’s death. I can’t say for sure whether it’s them avoiding me, me avoiding them, or just a natural progression. Probably some of all three, depending on who it is.
I think, for me, Ian’s suicide brought into stark relief the amount of time I was spending on things that either didn’t make me happy, or didn’t seem to align with my true desires. Because of that, I stopped doing a number of things, I stopped seeing a number of people. Some intentionally, but most, just as a consequence of revising the activities I cared about. In fact, some of the people I’ve stopped seeing, I really do miss. Not enough to go to the activities where I’d see them, however, so there you go.
Another thing I’ve noticed in myself is that I’m very sensitive to the possibility that I serve as a reminder to some people/groups of people, so if I get even an inkling of discomfort from them, I distance myself. The last thing I want is to feel like I’m hurting someone else somehow. I don’t need that. Neither do they. So I avoid them. Or, rather, since avoid connotes actively moving away from where they are, or trying to not talk to them, I don’t seek them out. I’ll talk if we happen to meet. I’ll respond if they contact me. But I’m to a point where I’ll just let it go at that. Even if I’d prefer to talk to them more, it’s far more stressful for me to feel – unwanted is not the right word, but I’m having trouble coming up with anything better – than to just miss talking to them.
On the other hand, I’ve formed some much stronger bonds with other people, and there are a good number with whom nothing has changed.
I guess the takeaway is that death changes everything. Unexpected death more so. Suicide even more. But that’s to be expected?
So, yeah. I struggled with this a lot at first. Now I’m mostly at peace. I still miss some people, but it’s not terrible. How about you? What’s your experience with this?
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