This is probably going to be the last Throwback Thursday post, since it’s the last one I have sitting around.

One week before Ian died, I wrote about depression.

The night he died, I dreamt and then posted about how I wanted to live my golden years

I just looked back and realized the timing of those things.

I knew that I’d wakened that night and was awake… probably exactly when he was doing it. I also knew that I’d thought about texting or emailing him while I was awake…

I didn’t realize that that dream was why.

Is it possible that I was tuned in somehow? That I knew deep deep down? If I’d texted him, would I have been able to stop him? If I’d been better tuned to whatever that was, would I have realized something was wrong?

It’s crazy. It’s stupid to think like this.

But I’m freaking out at the moment because I WAS AWAKE. I was thinking about my final years.

It’s insane. I know. But what if?

Written 3/18/14

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