I’ve had various people ask me whether I was ‘in the market’ in the past little while. Some knew about Ian and were wondering if I was progressing to a point where I could look for a new relationship, and others didn’t know about Ian, and were just curious. The answer I give is a resounding, “Oh no. No NO No no no.” However, it’s a little more complicated than that, at this point.
See, until recently, it wasn’t complicated. The answer was no. The idea of kissing someone else, of touching someone, of even getting close enough to someone to THINK of those things was not only beyond my ability to imagine, but it was repulsive. The very thought of it brought on tears because it would never be Ian again. So no. Resoundingly no.
And time marches forward. And maybe I’m healing, or maybe I’m just better at the armor now, but I’m starting to ponder the idea. It’s lonely out here. But then, what do I WANT? I’m certainly not ready or looking for true love forever blah blah. I don’t even believe that’s a possibility for me anymore, really. If it is, it’s a very remote one. But on the other end of the spectrum, ye olde random one night stand is not really my style, and doesn’t appeal either.
So here I am, in this weird middle ground. I don’t want to get INVOLVED with someone because the likelihood that I’ll break their hearts is FAR too great. I’ve done that once before, and I really don’t want to be in that position ever again. And I don’t want to do one night stands because that just feels demeaning and crappy (and involves far too much effort, to tell the truth). That leaves a very complicated, difficult to convey without spilling my guts, woobly, I want my options open, and no real feelings involved please thing…
Relationships are HARD. Add this to them, and wow, I don’t know if alleviating the loneliness is worth it. Except for the days when I think it really is… because it IS lonely, and (sorry mom, if you’re reading this) I like sex. So what’s an emotionally unavailable, anti-one-night-stand girl to do?
Play it by ear, I guess. Go with the flow? Try not to ruin any lives, including her own?
It seems nothing’s ever easy. (It wasn’t even easy with Ian… but it was so worth it)
Written 3/30/2015
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