I’ve mentioned before that I have lost a lot of weight since Ian’s death. That loss had been noticeable before, but after I got back from my trip to California, I decided it was time for me to put some effort into getting a little more physically fit. I joined Daily Burn, which is far more convenient and far less expensive than a gym, and have been pretty good at sticking to it.
The physical changes have been pretty astonishing, honestly. I certainly wasn’t looking for them, nor did I expect them. But people have commented. But I’m having a lot of mixed emotions about it. It absolutely feels good. I’m proud of the increased strength, and like the new definition in my muscles. However, I can’t help but feel like the whole reason these changes are visible, the whole reason I have lost weight is because I couldn’t eat.
I didn’t eat for long enough that my stomach got used to being empty. I rarely feel hungry anymore, and I feel far too full after not very much food at all. I don’t know whether it’s healthy or not. I feel ok, so maybe it is. But I wonder. I didn’t eat for longer than I let on after Ian’s death. And then I continued getting sick and throwing up even longer. I haven’t thrown up for a very long time now, but I still feel like I don’t eat as much as a healthy person should. To tell the truth, I don’t want to eat more, I feel ill when I do, so I’m not going to change that.
Who knows? Maybe I have completely healthy habits now, and just have a very skewed sense of what a healthy amount of food is. The point is, I feel weird when people compliment me on it, because I haven’t been trying. I haven’t worked hard for it. And I’m no more healthy than I was before. (A recent physical confirmed that. No less healthy either.)
I don’t know. I’m confused and I don’t like accepting the compliments, but I’m happy with how I’m looking, and I’m definitely getting stronger, so I’m glad for that.
Life is weird. Mourning is hard. Things are complicated. Sounds like a normal day, huh?
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I remember when I suffered an unexpected loss it was over a year before the smell of food didn’t make me nauseous. So I think it’s not unusual when you’re grieving. I lost a ton of weight. It’s hard. I think of you often- I think of all of you who are grieving Ian’s death. Hang in there…
Thank you, Kathy. That’s good to know – that it’s not unusual.
Though our reasons are different, this is something I’ve struggled with for years. It’s HARD. even moreso when you finally get up the courage to go to a doctor about it and their response is basically “well, you were fat before, and you’re not now, so why are you in my office?!”
If you’re concerned about whether or not the eating habits of your New Normal are healthy or not, there are nutritionists out there who work specifically with disordered eating (and while looking at it as an eating disorder may seem weird/more serious than what you’re dealing with, think of it as “my eating habits/Normal for Me vs. what society considers ‘normal.'”)
Also, in all honesty, there’s probably some combination of physical health as well as mental health (meaning: self-image) issues involved. Because that’s what every human being struggles with. Life is complicated. Tragedy doesn’t make it any easier. We all do what we can.
If you’d like to talk sometime about your experience and compare it some with mine, or share notes on what’s worked for either of us, I’m always here to listen. Or talk. Or, if you’d like someone to exercise with (go for walks, whatever,) I’m game. I have a terrible case of couch gravity I’m trying to overcome, and companions generally help.
Some days it’s about Living, with a capital L. Others, to quote one of my favorite spoken word pieces, it’s about “wake up, breathe, keep breathing.”
Take care of yourself. *hugs*
Thank you. I’m not sure who this is, unfortunately, but I appreciate the offers.
Oi. My filling in the info above didn’t take the first time. Oops. =)
🙂 Woo.
We definitely do need to get together soon.