I seem to have stopped writing as much. This may be because I’ve been busy, and haven’t had as much time to chew on things. It might be because I’m a little depressed, and getting up the gumption to do something like that is hard. It might be because what I feel is changing less frequently. I think it’s probably a mixture of all of the above.
I was away from home all last week, with Ian’s family. It was something I didn’t really understand how much I needed. I was treading water…. slowly sinking at home. I don’t know if it will give me the motivation to get up and DO things more, but it was a much needed respite from the day-to-day reminders and sadness.
I’m still sad. Don’t get me wrong. I’m still quieter than I used to be. I still have a harder time maintaining conversations. But I feel just a little replenished. Just enough to hopefully get me through.
I thought so many times about texting someone various thoughts I had throughout the week… That someone would always have been him. So I didn’t. Because no one would react like he did. No one would enjoy the things I was thinking the way he did. No one understood me like he did.
I was thinking today about how encouraging he was. I don’t think I ever heard him discourage anyone from doing anything they wanted. And if he thought you were good at something, he would be your loudest, biggest support. He’d be proud of you. I miss that.
I miss him, damn it.
Written 6/30/2014
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