I went to a therapy appointment today; the first one in five weeks, due to vacations and generally being busy.
My therapist seems to not know what to do with me… He says I’m pretty much doing what I can, I’m self-aware, and he thinks I’m being pretty healthy in dealing with things. Which is good.
He told me he trusted me to come back if/when I need to. Which is nice. I like being trusted, and not being told what to do. But it’s also a little scary. What if I’m not as healthy as I seem? What if all the little things that don’t seem to warrant mentioning all add up to a great big clue that I’m going the wrong way?
I don’t know. I don’t feel like I am. I feel fairly centered…. I felt that way even before my trip, though at that point, it was centered in a much lower mental/emotional altitude. As I told him today… after the trip, and having time away from normal, away from the constant reminders of where he should be and what he should be doing, after having two weeks of that, I don’t feel like his absence is punching me in the gut anymore… for the most part. I feel like it’s there, constantly… but now it’s a dull ache. Always around, and always noticeable, but rarely does it take my breath away anymore. Rarely does it feel like a knife to my chest.
I still miss him so much I can’t really think of much else for long… But I’m learning to live with that. I’m getting used to walking forward with that weight on my back… rather than being completely overwhelmed by it.
My therapist used the word resiliency. People have varying degrees of resiliency in the face of events like this… In the face of trauma, loss, heartbreak, abuse, anything really…. He said it seems like I’m pretty resilient. Adaptable. Healthy.
But I still feel guilty for that (a little)… Me moving forward, adapting, learning to live in spite of the heartbreak… It seems like a betrayal of him… of how I felt about him… of how important he was to me. I know in my head it’s not… but it damn well feels like it. I know he’d tell me, “Stop that, you bozo.” I don’t know if I can. I’m sure that eventually, it will be ok. But for now, I’m fighting the resiliency a little… Fighting myself.
Yeah. That can’t last long.
Written 7/8/2014
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