Listening to my playlist today, this song came up. 

It resonated with me at this point in time. I’m getting the distinct feeling – from people who used to be casual acquaintances (and even some that I considered actual friends) that Ian and I used to hang out with – that they don’t really want to hang out with me anymore. Not so much that they DON’T want to… just, they don’t WANT to… if that makes sense. They’re ok if I’m around, they certainly don’t dislike me. But they don’t much care whether I’m there or not.

Maybe my idea that I was popular and people really liked me was overblown, and they actually really liked Ian, and we ended up kind of being a package deal most the time, and they didn’t mind if I showed up when he wasn’t around, so it wasn’t readily apparent.

Maybe I really am just so different now that people aren’t comfortable around me anymore.

Maybe I’ve actually done something to put people off, and don’t realize it.

Maybe I’m just seeing things that aren’t there, and everything’s just as it was before.

I don’t know. And I don’t know how to tell.

I do have a number of friends who are still there, who still seem like they like having me around, so it’s not like I’m feeling completely alone now… it’s just difficult for me to discern whether people really want me around if they don’t say they do explicitly right now.

It’s probably all in my head. But I feel like most of my social life died with him. That he was my link to people, and now that he’s gone, that link’s gone, and I’m the only one who cares.

My life was so much better for having him in it. He didn’t believe that, but it was.

And I still miss him.

Written 7/16/2014

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