Bargaining

Another throw back Thursday post:

It’s been a month. Another of the stages of grief hit home kind of hard today. 

I don’t want this. How can I give it back? What can I do to make it not real?

Answers: I can’t, and Nothing.

It’s so hard to accept that. It shouldn’t be, but it is. I really don’t want this. I don’t think I needed it… I don’t feel like there’s anything I was needing to learn that the universe needed me to be so destroyed to do. I don’t want this.

I want it to be a month and three days ago. I want it to be then, and for me to call him on the talk he said we needed to have. I want to actually have the conversation with him and pay attention and realize that he’s not doing well, and DO SOMETHING about it. I want to stop him. I want to go back and fix this.

I want him to be here still. I want to not have to acknowledge and accept a world without him in it. How can I make it happen? What do I need to do? Tell me and I’ll do it.

I know the answer is that I can’t. But if wanting could make something happen, I’d be able to.

How fitting that the last song he quoted at me just came on. He loved singing this song with me. Thought we were amazing at it (we weren’t. I could never figure out the harmonies well enough.)

If love could have saved him, my love alone would have. Not to mention all the other people who loved him so hard.

I miss him so much. And one month out, it’s not any easier. It’s more… calm… I guess. But it still breaks my heart every time I ‘remember’. I wasn’t aware that my heart could break more. I thought it was already dust.

I’m lucky to have his family, who are with me, and who can understand where I’m coming from. I know that we’ll start processing and moving through this thing at different paces at some point… but for now, I think we’re still all fairly close, and that’s kind of comforting. Being able to commiserate.

I don’t want a world without him. But I don’t have a choice. Depression took that choice from him, and hence from me and everyone else who loved him. But what I would give to get that choice…

Written 3/18/2014

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