There are times when the permanence of Ian’s death hits me.
I never forget, never don’t understand, never doubt… but I think my whole life, I’ve gone with the never say never motto. Everything changes.
And then something will happen, or I’ll think something, or see something, and it hits me that this IS permanent. This will never change. It’s like having ice water dumped on my head… shocking and unexpected. It’s so hard to explain, because it really isn’t as though I ever think it’s NOT permanent… I just sometimes forget what that really means.
Or maybe it’s that I just can’t think about it deeply, so it fades from my mind while I’m doing other things, to reassert itself occasionally.
Forever seems hard to comprehend. On some level, I’ve always known that forever is a difficult concept for my brain, which is why I’ve been pretty commitment-phobic. If I can’t comprehend it, how can I promise it? So I don’t. I won’t.
Is that unusual? Do you sometimes realize that forever is too big to really wrap your head around, or is it an easy concept for you?
Written 10/6/2014
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